6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I just had sex on a roof
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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