I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I have post one night stand depression
Randomize
