I accidentally had phone sex last night
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
you will always have a special place in my vag
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
