did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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