im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I just got carded by a ten year old.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Randomize
