I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
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I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
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