bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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