Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
You can't special order awesome
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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