omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
