Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
