please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
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