Need sex. Gaining weight.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Randomize
