I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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