I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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