My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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