I am midnight drunk by noon
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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