I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Randomize
