I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
