Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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