I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
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