the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
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