My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Randomize
