You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
