Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
