Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
