she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
