I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
