I think I won the penis lottery.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
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