I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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