first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
