I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
