i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
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