you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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