highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Randomize
