I can text with my tongue
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
