i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
