Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
