You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
