Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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