I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Randomize
