on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
