do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Randomize
