You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
