There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
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