walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
