Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
