I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
FUCK WHALES
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
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