he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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