I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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