please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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