I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
