Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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